Five

Five years ago.
I still remember exactly where I was, what I was doing, feeling, the weather. Everything.
I still think about those events every. single. day.
Not everything... I don't dwell. But the memories, they drift in and out like butterflies and sometimes catch me off guard. Even after 1825 days.
I'm still sad. Sometimes.
I'm still angry. Sometimes.
But I still laugh. (dude, have you MET my rainbow? she's hilarious!)
And I keep moving forward. Because that's just what you do. You have to. There isn't a choice in the matter really. And moving forward is a great thing.
I can't decide whether it's sad or joyous that the support system that was there in the early days has diminished so very greatly. Layer after layer has gently peeled away but also, I allowed myself to let go of those relationships that were hanging on beyond their expiration date. And it's OK.
It's OK that no one remembered this year.
I did.
I always will.

Capture Your Grief...

I am going to transfer my Capture Your Grief / Project Heal photos into one place, every few days...

Hello!

It's been so long since I've even logged into post that I had to take three stabs at my password.
Good?
Bad?
Truth.

October is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness month (along with several other "big" subjects, it's a heavy month). I decided, to participate in Capture Your Grief 2012. It's a daily photo project and I decided that I'll go ahead and also post the photos here even though many of them are scattered throughout the posts. (I'll post them all together - probably 5 days at a time)

And *sigh* a new song:

Still here, still surviving and thriving... but still missing too.

Fourth

I've been sitting here, staring at the blank screen, trying to figure out what to say.
Trying to figure out what's on my mind.
Wondering if anyone other than me remembers it's his 4th birthday.
Not Happy Birthday, just... birthday.

So much has changed in these past 4 years. Life goes on, the kids continue to grow, we get older, friendships change, but the way I remember him, that stays the same.

Changes

Change can be scary. Change can be good. Change is always... a change.

This blog has been painfully quiet. Let's see, since my last post:
the little guy for whom the shower was thrown was born.
I photographed a birth - different kiddo.
My big kids got out of school.
We've gone on a couple of little road trips.
I started a business!

July tends to be one of those months that I spend a lot of time reflecting. July was the month that I looked forward to during my pregnancies with Eli and Collin. It turned out far different than I had hoped at the time but... is it weird to say?... I'm thankful for the way things turned out? Honestly, I think I'd be quite happy to have never experienced that heartache and loss but it's easier now. It's easier to look at the picture that's developing. As more and more pieces of the puzzle are added, it's easier to see that that time and part of my life was necessary. It taught me to trust. And that I could do a whole lot more than I even thought I could.

It was a tough lesson but a good lesson.

“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”--Mahatma Gandhi

Oh, that business... You can find me on Facebook or my website.

Another First

It's another chilly May day, grey clouds outside the window, a fleece sweatshirt zipped all the way up, and, other than the heaters humming, the house is very quiet. The big kids are at school and Stella is napping.

I've been spending less and less time online and while I've been pretty focused on my 365 project, I've let this blog slide quite a bit.

And I sit somewhere between feeling good about that and feeling guilty.

But as I browse the links to my baby-loss-momma-friends, most of whom I met surrounding the time we lost Eli, I see it's not just my blog that has slowed with the posts, especially those that relate directly to the intense feelings of the first year or so after the loss. I ended up blogging a bit more since I experienced multiple losses on the way to bringing Stella home but that first year is so raw and the writing is so cathartic. ...for me at least.

Seeing the last updated blogs listing "2 weeks ago", "3 months ago", "6 months ago" makes me smile. For all the times that I said "I won't ever get over this"... I was right. But I think I forgot to add "But I will get through this." I don't think it's something that I will ever get over but I have gotten through it. And I would prefer to get through it rather than over it anyway.

This weekend I attended the first baby shower that I've gone to since everything came crashing down around me. Not the first that I've been invited to, by far, but the first that I was physically and mentally able to attend. In part, because I had a "job". I was able to focus on helping decorate and then taking photos for the momma. I am really, really glad that I went and once I was there, it was so much easier than I thought it might be.

My goal for this summer is to find passion - doesn't matter what I'm working on, I want to do it with passion, otherwise, it seems such a waste!

Wordless Wednesday